Airing Station - Fox
Airing Date - November 8, 2003
Episode - #906 (200th Episode)
Michael McDonald - Stuart Larkin
Mo Collins - Doreen Larkin
Nicole Sullivan - Carol
CAROL: Hi.uh, hi. Can I help you? Can I help you get anything today?
DOREEN: Why, yes you can. My baby needs a new pair of shoes.
CAROL: Oh. where is the little one?
STUART: I'm right here.
Stuart walks out from behind a tower of foam building blocks, holding a toy gun. Carol realizes he's a lot taller than most children.
CAROL: Uh. what kind of shoes would you like today?
STUART: Cowboy boots. You know why? Just for kicks!
CAROL: That's a very funny joke.
CAROL: Okay, I'll go get the boots.
DOREEN: Ah, Carol, Carol, Carol? Listen, mama can't afford the cowboy boots, so we're going to have to trick him. Yeah. So, just measure him for the boots, and at the last minute, just switch it!
CAROL: That doesn't seem right.
DOREEN: OK, you tell this young man that he's not getting those boots, and in the next five minutes your life will be a living hell!
CAROL: I'm in. What size is he?
DOREEN: Well, I dunno. His feet are growing so fast, they're becoming like flippers. Stuart, this nice lady is going to measure your feet, and I'm going to go check out the Easy Spirits. Ah.
CAROL: Okay, Stuart. Let's get measured for some boots.
CAROL: Sorry. I'm sorry, I forgot you don't like to be touched.
STUART: You're a stranger, stay away from my danger.
CAROL: That is a very good policy, Stuart, but can I touch just one foot if it's for cowboy boots?
STUART: For cowboy boots, you can touch my goo-goo.
DOREEN: Stuart, are you behaving yourself?
STUART: Mm-hmm. My mom said if I behave I can get cowboy boots, but I also have to promise not to tell how much she drinks at night.
CAROL: And you are a si-.you're a size.fifteen. Wow.
CAROL: Okay, should I get.the boots?
DOREEN: Yes, go get.the boots. Stuart, people are going to get the wrong impression if you tell them mama drinks at night.
STUART: Well, at least I didn't tell them you drink during the day and that you steal toilet paper from your place of work.
CAROL: Okay, a pair of cowboy boots, and a pair of sneakers, just in case.
STUART: No sneakers, boots!
DOREEN: Stuart, what do I tell you about ordering people around?
STUART: Don't do it to black people, 'cause they get mad!
CAROL: Ah, look at those. Look at that, cowboy!
CAROL: How do those boots feel, Stuart?
STUART: They feel like I could kick ass and take names!
DOREEN: Well, go ahead and wrap 'em up! Ah.
CAROL: Okay, let me take those off you, Stuart.
STUART: No! Not so fast, I have to walk around and make sure they're the ones. Whoa!! Phb.phb.(to himself) Want some apple? There's a fly on my butt. Wag it with my tail. It's hot out. Watch out for the Indians.
DOREEN: Stuart, are you done yet?
STUART: I wanna wear 'em home.
DOREEN: Absolutely not. Now, you let Carol wrap those up, or we're not going to get them at all!
CAROL: Stuart, I'm going to have to.Stu-.St-.I can't do this. Stuart?
STUART: No one's home!
STUART: No one's home!
CAROL: Stuart. your mom's not going to get you cowboy boots, she's going to get you sneakers instead.
DOREEN: Well. how dare you violate my sacred right as a parent to lie to my child!
STUART: Mom, calm down. There's Vodka and Red Bull at home! It's okay, I want my mom to get some Easy Spirits because her life is lonely and tragic and she's a secret drinker.
DOREEN: Well, Stuart. That's the nicest thing that you've ever said. I just wish there was some way I could get you those boots.
CAROL: You could maybe give up your Easy Spirits.
DOREEN: Hey, let me do it!
CAROL: I'm not..I'm not.I'm.
STUART: There's a brick wall.
DOREEN: You know what, Stuart. I'm going to give up my Easy Spirits for you.
STUART: Will you give up drinking too?
DOREEN: Don't push it!
CAROL: Okay, Stuart. Let's wrap up those boots.