Airing Station - Fox
Airing Date - May 22, 2004
Episode - #925
Michael McDonald - Stuart Larkin
Paul Vogt - Harvey Muckenthaler
Keegan-Michael Key - Poler Player
Ike Barinholtz - Poker Player
Ron Pederson - Policeman
KEEGAN: Hey, is this where the poker game's at?!
IKE: I hope you boys are ready to lose some money.
KEEGAN: I ain't losin' nothing, how 'bout you, Harvey?
HARVEY: Let's just try and have some fun.
KEEGAN: You. you okay, buddy?
HARVEY: I'm fine. You guys want a beer?
IKE: I'm good for now.
KEEGAN: Maybe later.
HARVEY: I'm going to have another.
KEEGAN: Harvey? You okay? I've never seen you like this before. What's wrong?
STUART: Hi, everyone!
HARVEY: Stuart? I thought you said you were going to stay upstairs. You promised you were going to go to bed.
STUART: Promises, like hearts, are meant to be broken.
IKE: Hey, Harvey. I didn't know you had a kid.
HARVEY: I don't. It's this. kid from next door. His mother checked herself into rehab and I think I know why.
STUART: Mr. Muckenthaler, what are you whispering about?
STUART: My mom says that people who whisper are either sneaky or homosexual. Mmm, I think I'll have some chips.
HARVEY: Stuart? The guys are here to play some poker. Why don't you just go back up to bed, OK?
HARVEY: Stuart! When you are a guest in my house, you'll do as I say.
STUART: You're funny!
HARVEY: I'm sorry about this, guys.
KEEGAN: It's alright.
IKE: You know, Harvey. Maybe if you gave the kid some chips, he'd go upstairs and leave us alone.
HARVEY: He had two bags of chips before you showed up. I think he's got a worm, or something, going on.
KEEGAN: Okay, uh-Uh, let me try here. Hey, Stuart. You want some?
KEEGAN: You want some? You want some? Go get it boy, get it!
HARVEY: Well done, well done.
KEEGAN: I have a dog. So, how about some five-card draw? Huh?
HARVEY: Alright, alright, alright.
STUART: Mr. Muckenthaler? Mr. Muck- Mr. Muckenthaler?
HARVEY: Yes, yeah?
STUART: Can I watch you play poker?
HARVEY: No. You got your chips. Now eat 'em. And shut the hell up!
IKE: Aww, come on, Harvey! He's a kid! Hey, Stuart. He didn't mean to scare you.
STUART: I'm not crying because I'm scared, I'm crying because I'm in a stranger's house, and my mom can't say "no" to booze.
IKE: Oh, Stuart. Come on, come here, kid. Come here.
IKE: There you go. It's okay, I'm not going to hurt you. Stuart, listen. I'll tell you what: if you can behave yourself, you can watch us play poker. OK?
STUART: I don't like conditions!
Stuart grabs the bowl of chips and returns to the couch.
IKE: I'm going to have a beer.
KEEGAN: I'm going to have a beer, right here, right now.
STUART: These chips are salty! Mr. Muckenthaler? Mr. Muckenthaler? Mr. Muckenthaler? Mr. Muckenthaler? Mr. Muckenthaler? Mr. Muckenthaler? Mr. Muckenthaler? Mr. Muckenthaler? Mr. Muckenthaler?
HARVEY: WHAT?!!? What Stuart?
STUART: The phone's ringing.
HARVEY: Well, you're a big boy. Answer it.
STUART: Okay. Hello? Hi, mama! Eh, not much. Probably the same as you. Sittin' around in my pajamas, drinking beer. She hung up.
Stuart gets up and walks over to the poker table. He begins to poke Ike.
STUART: Hey! Hey!
STUART: Hey! You should be playing Crazy Eights, because you have three of them.
KEEGAN: No, no. That's a do-over. That's a do-over.
STUART: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
KEEGAN: Yes. What is it? What is it, son?
STUART: You're black.
KEEGAN: Actually actually, I'm half-Black.
STUART: Then I'm only half-scared.
HARVEY: Stuart? Stuart? Are you drinking a beer?
STUART: Yes, it's delicious! Hey, look! There's a cop car outside.
POLICE OFFICER: Open up! Police!
IKE: Did you do something?
KEEGAN: I haven't done anything.
HARVEY: Hello, officer. Is there any trouble?
POLICEMAN: Yeah, we got a report there was some underage drinking going on around here.
STUART: So what if there was, pig?
HARVEY: Shh, shh! Stuart, shush! Shush!
STUART: Hey.look what I can do!
HARVEY: Uh.he accidentally had a very, very small portion of one of my beers. It's fine.
STUART: I've been drinking for two days, and he makes pot brownies that are primo.
HARVEY: Stuart, stop that! Stop that! Don't you tattle on me.
POLICEMAN: Stop hitting him!
HARVEY: Everybody wants to! Everybody wants to!
KEEGAN & IKE: Harvey! Harvey!
POLICEMAN: Alright! I HAVE A WEAPON!
POLICEMAN: Go. Come on, come on. Which one of you is gonna stay here with the kid?
KEEGAN & IKE: Not me!
POLICEMAN: Alright, let's go. You take care of yourself, little man.